Our Journey

Before Lucas was born, before we even decided to try to start our family, I knew I wanted to breastfeed our babies. I told Andrew while I was pregnant that breastfeeding was the one thing I wanted to be able to do successfully. I told him I would be an emotional wreck if it didn't work or if I couldn't do it. It was the one thing that meant the most to me.

Luckily, it went well from day 1. Lucas was successfully getting a lot of milk each time he nursed. That boy gained weight like crazy!! The first night they weighed him, he was already over 6lbs, after being born at 5lbs 15oz. At 2 months, he was already 13lbs and there was no end in sight...he ate well and gained weight well. Switching to a bottle was easy for him, we started in week 1 or 2 and he quickly took to it, which was a huge relief since we knew I would need to pump and leave bottles for him when I went back to work.
Each check up went well-constantly gaining weight.

My supply wasn't always abundant. When pumping at work, I had to take Fenugreek and pump even more at times-at one point Lucas was drinking 3 bottles while I was at work-meaning 18oz of milk!!! It was hard to pump that much in one day, but I was able to keep up enough that we didn't run out of our freezer stash. Not to mention before I went back to work, we thought some of my milk was spoiled....we did the worst possible thing--not knowing it probably just need to be scalded--we threw it out :( So needless to say, after those few struggles and lots of extra time spent pumping, I was excited for the summer because I knew feeding him would go great and between nursing and pumping. I was right, I was able to stock the freezer!! Over 30-6oz bottles!!

However, when the summer was coming to an end, Lucas was using those bottles up going back to Ms. Debby's house. I was pumping a lot, I called the lactation consultant at his doctor's office because my pumping supply was so low...less than an ounce total each pumping session :( nothing changed, except back to work.

On August 22nd, Lucas had his 9 month check up--expecting all good news--and no shots--yippee!! Sadly, it wasn't all I expected. Andrew took Lucas and I met them at the doctor's office. When I asked to see his chart with his stats for height, weight, and head circumference...Andrew just said, "We're going to have to talk about that."

Sadly, Lucas only weighed 17lbs 15oz...he was 18lbs at his 6 month appt. He began crawling *nonstop* this summer, and sadly he wasn't getting enough from me when nursing evidently. I nursed him all summer, he hardly had a bottle unless he was away from me.

The doctor said he wanted every feeding to be from a bottle. He said it didn't matter if I pumped it or gave formula, but he had to have 24oz a day. This was my breakdown. I said, "So in order for him to eat, it has to be from a bottle?" He said yes because we needed to reverse the weight gain. He said breast milk was fine, but I needed to know the quantity he was getting. I explained my supply issues when pumping. Lucas has gotten a lot more efficient at nursing because he wants to get down and move, but little did I know, he hasn't been getting enough calories to help him gain weight with all that moving!! I'm convinced it's him moving so much that is burning those calories, but he's still not getting enough from me when he's nursing. And sadly, without weighing him after every feeding or giving him a bottle with the oz measured, there's no way to know how much he's getting.

So here came the next part of the conversation with the pediatrician. I said, so this means I use frozen milk and then pump more? But it takes me days to fill one 6oz bottle right now, and realistically if he's not nursing as much anymore because he's taking a bottle even with me, then this journey has come to an end. It's only been one day so I'm still a little heartbroken. I thought we had another 3 months in this journey, at least. I kept telling myself that I could make it for 3 more months, that pumping would get better and that I'd be one of those moms who nursed her baby for a whole year.

Should I compare myself ? no. Am I? no.

It was my goal though-until he can have something else, I will feed him, I will nurse him, I will give him my best, even when it's hard and inconvenient. I've missed out on conversations, dinners, movies, friends, family time, and so much more, but I WOULD NOT TRADE A SINGLE MINUTE OF THIS JOURNEY FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. Breastfeeding my baby boy was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and I cherish every minute. My heart breaks knowing that although he can still nurse after a bottle, this journey is slowly closing. I am not trying to look at this as a failure, but trying to pray and just trust God's plan for this journey. I pray that above all, Lucas begins to gain weight again. I want him healthy and growing more than my selfishness of wanting to nurse him.

I can't explain why my milk supply changed or why he wasn't getting enough over the summer, he never showed signs of  hunger and being unhappy or inconsolable. Actually, he was quite the opposite. I love that we made it for 9 months; I just wish I had a heads up, I wish it wasn't so abrupt, I wish I had time to prepare, I wish I had made it for 12 months. Ultimately, I can still pump and I can still nurse. However, pumping as I mentioned has become such a struggle, and without that nursing and that contact with Lucas, I know my supply will decrease even more.

Once home from the doctor, we tried some formula before he went to bed. The last thing I wanted was for Lucas to not like the formula or refuse it and us have no pumped milk left. But being our boy who loves to eat, he took to it like a champ and drank every bit. He also slept a full 12.5 hours that night, too. I guess a REALLY full belly will do that for a growing boy.

Everyone I've talked/shared with has congratulated me for the amount of time I've made it. It's longer than tons of other people, and I appreciate the concern and support. This whole journey would not have been possible without my husband, Andrew, and his CONSTANT encouragement and support--there is no greater cheerleader for me. I would not have made it without the support of my fellow breastfeeding moms, including my mom, who went on this journey with me 28 years ago. I appreciate your prayers--for Lucas to grow as the doctor wants/expects and for this first time mommy, who wasn't expecting this news, but had her world rocked. God has a plan for us and Lucas, and no matter what--to Him be all the glory. I thank him for this journey and I look forward to the next baby-if we choose to add another to our family one day. I hope that journey is just as, if not more successful.

This will be a transition for me and hopefully something that will teach me whatever God has planned. It still tears me up, but thank you for your support. Ultimately, I want to do what's best for my baby boy, whether it's formula or pumped milk.